Silly One-Liners

I tried to catch fog yesterday — I mist.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

I told my suitcase we're not going on vacation. Now it's full of emotional baggage.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

I ate a clock once. It was time-consuming.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I told my dog to fetch a stick — he brought me a receipt.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are hard to find.

I bought a ladder — it's a step in the right direction.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

I told my plants a joke — they're still rooting for the punchline.

I tried to take a nap in the coffee shop — it was grounds for removal.

I told my mirror a joke — it cracked up.

I used to be a gardener, but my celery wasn't high enough.

I tried to eat a rainbow — it was too colorful for my taste.

I told my shoes a secret — they said they'd never tell a sole.

I used to be a history teacher, but there was no future in it.

I bought a globe — it's really changed my world.

I tried to write with a broken pencil — it was pointless.

I tried to start a hot air balloon club — it never took off.

I used to be a baker's assistant — I kneaded the job.

I told my cereal a joke — it was a little corny.

I bought a new thesaurus — it's nothing to write home about.

I told my fridge a secret — it couldn't keep it cool.

I used to be a photographer — but I couldn't focus.

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I'm not a photographer, but I can picture us together.

I'm not a magician, but I can make your snacks disappear.

I'm not an archaeologist, but I dig you.

Broken pencils are pointless.

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

I'm reading a book about submarines. It's really diving into the subject.

I once got into a fight with a broken pencil — it was pointless.

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you didn't like it.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me Kit Kat ads.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I'm writing a book about hurricanes — it's blowing up.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

I tried to make a belt out of watches — it was a waist of time.

I have a joke about pizza, but it's a bit cheesy.

I tried to come up with a carpentry joke, but nothing wood work.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

I would tell a construction joke, but I'm still working on it.

I tried to catch some fish with my bare hands — I didn't get a bite.

I'm terrified of elevators — I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I'm afraid I won't get a reaction.

I used to be a train conductor — I was always losing track.

I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable.

I don't trust stairs — they're always up to something.

I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

I'm reading a book on reverse psychology — please don't read this.

I tried to figure out how lightning works — it was shocking.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop — it was sole destroying.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I tried to learn to juggle — I just couldn't get a handle on it.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people — none of them work.

I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

I don't play soccer because I enjoy it — I'm just doing it for kicks.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille — something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

I tried to finish a puzzle in record time — it was all over the place.

I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

I'm reading a book about glue — I just can't put it down.

I used to be a percussionist, but I couldn't beat the competition.